Mental Health Awareness Day 2019

I saw my first therapist when I was 9 years old. I didn’t want to. My mom pretty much had to drag me there. It was right after my parents told me that they were getting divorced. I guess at this point, I had been fed up with bottling everything inside and started to act out. I’ve always had anxiety since as far back as I can remember. When I was 4, I would climb into my brothers crib at night just to feel as if I wasn’t alone. I didn’t have the easiest childhood, but people had it worse than I did. Therapists told me that I was predisposed to anxiety and depression given my genetics. It doesn’t really make you feel better or help you cope.

Anxiety is something that has always been present in my life. I’ve always been anxious and feeling as if I can’t help myself. The easiest way for me to describe it is that someone is sitting on your chest, and you’re stuck. And you can’t relieve that feeling no matter how hard you try. The worst part is, there really is no reason for this feeling. It’s just there.

I had my first depressive episode after I retired from gymnastics. I would say it was more of a downswing. I was about 17 years old And I wasn’t making the best choices. I was always very responsible, but I guess you could say I was trying to fill a void That really wasn’t there. I had gone this long without a depressive state because gymnastics distracted me from how depressed I really was. I had an outlet to avoid addressing the emptiness that I felt inside. In a matter of seconds that outlet was stripped from me And I had to figure out how to cope. As if being a teenage girl wasn’t hard enough.

When I was in college, my anxiety got so bad I couldn’t function. It was causing my depression to spiral because I felt so alone and so distant from everyone else. No one understood what I was going through. The stigma around mental health was still there. “Oh, you’re being dramatic.” “Why don’t you just relax.” “You need to stop worrying.”

These are statements I constantly heard whenever I tried to express myself. I decided to make a decision. For myself, and for others like me. I put myself back in therapy, voluntarily, as an adult.

For me, making this decision was the first step in learning how to cope. Along with my therapist I was able to find new outlets to manage my anxiety and depression. At this point, it was purely therapy I was using to cope. honestly, therapy is great. You can talk about literally anything, anyone, and they cannot say a word! Some sessions were pretty intense, I would cry the entire time, possibly not go to work after because I was so drained. And others I felt empowered, and ready to conquer whatever was ahead of me.

I still wasn’t cured, I was maintaining, which at this point in my life was fine.

Everyone identifies their own traumatic experiences. A traumatic experience for one may not be a traumatic experience for another. You cannot compare and contrast trauma. I’ve had multiple traumas in my lifetime, all of which I have addressed through therapy. However, about 2 years ago something happened in my life that pushed me further into depression than I had ever been before. After this event I maintained for about 6 months by going to therapy and choosing how I wanted this next chapter in my life to be.

April 2018, I had hit the lowest point in my life. When you get to that point, it often feels like you don’t have a choice and I almost didn’t. I sat on my bedroom floor, contemplating whether or not it would be easier I wasn’t here. I didn’t want to continue; I didn’t feel as if I had the strength to or if anyone wanted me here. I just wanted the pain I was feeling to end.

While I was sitting there crying, my cat Mogli came over and sat on my lap, snuggled in – purring away and staring at me with so much love. He was just so happy I was late to work so I could snuggle him more.  I’m sitting here, deciding if and how I am going to end my life, and this little fluff has his own idea how this morning is going to go. I called my mom.

I asked for help. I straight up told my mother what I was feeling and that I needed help, and that’s exactly what she did. It has been over a year from that moment and I have been on medication to regulate my anxiety and depression since then. I have never felt better.  Yes, my cat at that moment showed me I was loved, but it also made me think. So many people commit suicide every day and are successful because no one is there to help them. They don’t have a little reminder that someone (or something) cares and why they are here.  Mogli may think I am only here to feed and snuggle him, I mean let’s be honest – that’s pretty much why.

Our society makes it seem as if something is wrong with you if you have to ask for help. Having a mental illness does not make you less than anyone else. It does not make you a burden, it does not make you weak. It is okay to be in therapy or on proper medication under the supervision of a medical professional. Sometimes it is temporary, sometimes it is a life-long solution, BUT EITHER WAY IT IS OKAY. There is help out there in many different varieties – one that will fit your needs. There are people that care, there are ways to cope.  You never know what someone is going through. If you need help, I’m here. If you need advice, I’m here. No judgment, I promise.

XOXO

Tay

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Wardrobe Wednesday!

Hi Everyone! It has been a minute since I’ve posted. I’ve put my blog on hold since I am finishing up Grad School. My MBA needs more attention right now.

I’ve wanted to catch up and do a Wardrobe Wednesday as it has been months since I have done so. Here We go!

 

I absolutely LOVE this dress. I had a wedding to go to this past weekend, and I had another dress I got a few years ago I was going to wear…. until it was going to be below 65 degrees – I am so glad I ordered this! It is a black long sleeve Maxi Dress I ordered off of amazon. I usually got for a size medium, but after reading the reviews, I decided to go with a small and I am glad I did. A medium would have been just a little too big. It was long of course because I am 5’2, but it was fine with 4 inch heals. I paired it with my Black moto faux leather jacket from Express. Express always has sales on their leather jackets around this time of year and a lot of time it goes over 50% off. I have two and haven’t paid full price for either.

Clutch: Kate Spade

I have posted this sweater before, but I wanted to post it again. My work recently switched to casual dress and this was one of the first outfits I wore! I love this sweater, it is super warm and comfortable. It is a little tight, so I do recommend getting your true size or a size up if you want it over-sized. This tank is super cute and under $20

I love this dress! I think I ordered it off Zulily a while back, but here is a similar one on Amazon. It isn’t the exact one, but I do have a few of these in different colors as well. Super easy to wear once it gets cold out.

This sweater is one of my favorite sweaters I own and it is from one of my favorite online boutiques, Saved by the Dress. They are located in Miami but have such cute fall and winter clothes. The tank is the same listed before in the picture above.

Pants: Audrey fit from New York and Company.

Most of this outfit is from Old Navy who has SERIOUSLY stepped their game up the last few years as far as work clothes go.

Belt: Amazon

Pixie Pants: Old Navy  

Loafers: Old Navy

Sweater Tank: Amazon

Sweatshirt: Old Navy

Leggings: TJ MAXX 

Sperry’s

This outfit is entirely from Primark! So obviously my favorite! I think in total it is under $20

Dress: Francesca’s

Shoes: Nine West

Hair Clips: Amazon

Tank: Amazon

Sweater: H&M

Shoes: Primark

Pants: Banana Republic

Shoes: Sofft

Jeans: GAP Jeggings

Jacket: Old Navy

Friends Shirt: H&M

Plant: Home Depot