I felt so good in this outfit yesterday, so good that I had my friend Nicole take a picture of me after I took her to try my FAVORITE ice cream that neither of us should be eating because we are dairy and lactose intolerant.
After she grabbed these shots I took my phone and was horrified with how I looked. My face was uneven, it looked super puffy, my hair was not as cute as it came out right after I did it that morning, and I looked so overweight. I put my phone away horrified and Nicole and I walked back to the car and talked about things we didn’t like about ourselves.
I wasn’t going to post these photos, and quite honestly it put me in a funk the rest of the day. I went home after eating two scoops of J.P. Licks and ate a sleeve of Thin Mints.
This feeling sucked because I had an AMAZING day yesterday. I had some family and friends over for a little get together with snacks and mimosas. We laughed all day and I got to catch up with friends I haven’t seen in the longest time. I was so mad I was in this funk so I put on a funny movie to distract me.
Fast forward to me writing this post now on Sunday at 6:34pm. I just got back from the gym and was sitting in the shower because of how achy my knees are right now from whatever underlying health issue my doctors can’t seem to figure out, aside from my arthritis. I started thinking about not only this pain, but how I felt last night. How did I get to this point? Then I recapped the last three months to my self:
I completed my final semester of grad school allowing me to graduate in under a year and a half with honors all while still working full time. I had my second full quarter but BEST quarter at my new-ish job, bringing me to bonus and exceeding my ROI by 300%. Finally, I have had continuous doctors appointments including one surgical procedure attempting to figure out why I constantly feel like shit all the time, have achy joints, and unexplained elevated inflammation levels. To throw a final positive in here, I also hit 9 months cancer free. #takethatcervix
All of this is a lot for anyone to take on – even just individually neverminded combined together. I was eating a little more when I was stressed but also was on a tight budget paying off the end of grad-school and it was much easier to eat protein pasta, white rice, potatoes, and french-fries to fill me up than healthy alternatives – hence why I am 20 lbs heaver than my goal weight instead of the usual 10. I entered into my late 20’s and my face decided to tell my previous skin care regiment to fuck off. And I just feel like shit most of the time, and my doctors are trying to figure out what is going on.
The point: I’m not trying to make excuses, just giving context. I let two pictures ruin an amazing day that I had, and for what? The last three months have been a lot for me and I’m finally at a place where I can focus on getting myself to a point where I want to be, both physically and mentally. But WE as humans can’t be so hard on ourselves. I can’t get that down on myself when I know why and how I got to the place I am. It happened, but now I am working on changing it because I want to do so for myself. This is life.
J says to me all the time when I ask him if I should lose weight “If that’s how you feel then do it.” I hate that response because sometimes I want him to tell me I’m perfect AND I usually use this opportunity to pick a fight. Let me translate this real quick – what he means is “why are you asking me, if you want to lose weight then lose weight. It’s not my body, I’m not going to make that decision.” (this is how he’s rephrased it to me those times I have picked a fight.)
So here I am, posting these photos that I wasn’t going to post. Why? Because it makes me vulnerable but realistic. I didn’t add a filter, I didn’t air brush or sculpt parts of my body I don’t like. I just posted a picture of me, a picture of me rebounding from the last few months that have been hectic to say the least. A part of my life I am moving forward from as well all do, all the time.
If you put on 10 pounds and you now want to lose 20, do it. If you like that extra 10 lbs and the curves that come with it, keep them. If you just hit 27 and your face has started to break out again like when you were 14, I feel you – I’m there.
Don’t be hard on yourself to a point where you let it ruin your day, or even 5 minutes. Identify it, Process it, Learn from it. Create a plan for whatever it is you want to change and how you’re going to do it, but stick with it – don’t quit on yourself, it’s the biggest disservice you can do in your life to first yourself and second the people who love you.
Hats off to all of us going through these fun times that life throws us. I am going to finish the second sleeve of Thin Mints I opened because… why not?